Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
