I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
