He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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