I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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