there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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