Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
