Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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