Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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