I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
