after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
