Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
