I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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