Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
