My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
