When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
