first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
how does that bad decision feel?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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