somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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