Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you had me at cake vodka
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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