I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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