dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
