Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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