i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
