Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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