is your mom at the bar?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
