Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
