I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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