you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
