There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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