Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
