i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
