We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
