You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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