Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
