Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
