I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
