grandma shit on top of the toilet
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
