I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
