my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
