we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
