I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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