Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
