My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
