am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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