i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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