you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
