I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
