i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
