tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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