i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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