how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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