yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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