Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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