I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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