DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
